Armchair Coaches Unite

It is that time of year again, fans across America are breaking out their coolers and armchair coaches are stretching out for college football season. Opening weekend was exciting for those of us who live to second guess coaches who actually receive monetary compensation for their expertise and knowledge. However, it is the armchair coaches who must utilize their television remote control to its utmost capacity, flipping through channels during every injury, time out, commercial and stoppage of play. It is the quick trigger finger that allows us to impress our friends, family and unsuspecting seat mates on our daily commute (who have no place to run) with our abundance of useless knowledge.

Hands down the most exciting game of the weekend was Virginia Tech vs. East Carolina University. Two critical mistakes by ECU in the first half found the Pirates going into the locker room down 14-7, but they came storming back in the second half. ECU went on a 14-0 run in the fourth quarter, capped off by a blocked VT punt and T.J. Lee running it in for a touchdown! (Final score 27-22). Will the loss for Virginia Tech stir up the critics of 5th year quarterback Sean Glennon, who threw no touchdowns but had two interceptions? Well of course it will, but leave him alone, he is a 5th year senior who has started more games than not in the past three years. In the final 8 games of the season last year, he threw for 11 touchdowns, only 3 interceptions and completed 61.7 % of his passes. Glennon even managed to be named MVP of the ACC title game, although why anyone would want people to know they participate in ACC football is beyond me. Leadership and experience has to count for something in the game of football, especially for the quarterback who is the coach on the field. Tyrod Taylor (sophomore quarterback) is going to be a great quarterback in time, but right now Coach Beamer has said he is going to redshirt, so place your support behind Glennon and stop second guessing. (Sure you will). Of course the redshirt announcement would be more convincing if Tyrod wasn’t dressed in his uniform, looking like he was ready to check himself into the game. If you are a Hookie, I mean Hokie, fan wouldn’t you rather have Tyrod Taylor as your starting quarterback for three full seasons, then a few games this year?

Is that the million dollar man, nope it’s the $5 million dollar coach and it appears the investment the University of Alabama made in Nick Saban is already paying dividends. Saban had the Tide ready to roll right through those Clemson Tigers, who couldn’t even manage a growl that sort of sounded like it belonged to Tony the Tiger. Clemson is supposed to be the best in the Atlantic Coast Conference, if this is the case it is going to be a long year for every member of ACC football. The Alabama Tide simply manhandled the Tigers up, down, across and all around the field. Some suggestions that Coach Bowden of the Clemson Tigers may want to institute for the remainder of the season- invest in a new strength coach, let defensive coordinator Vic Koenning have a few Escalades to hand out on the recruiting trail and allow V.P. Candidate Gov. Sarah Palin to take your the team hunting and teach them a few hockey mom moves. Finally I need to get to New York, can someone call Coach Saban and ask if I can borrow the University plane that he is allotted 25 hours for personal use? Roll Tide Roll.

Does anyone have the phone number for the business department for the University of Michigan athletics? It is imperative that they add a clause into their “money game” contracts. Perhaps something along these lines…If said team beats the University of Michigan, on opening weekend, at the University of Michigan, said team must refund their $800,000 guarantee check immediately. Go Utes, take that 27-24 win and run right to the bank. Two years in a row, the University of Michigan has paid a total of over $1.6 million dollars to lose. Hmmm, perhaps they are taking advice from the politicians who are “balancing” the budget in California.

Coach Neuheisel could you hear Robin Roberts saying, “Get on with your bad self” as you led UCLA to a 27-24 win over the University of Tennessee? Who cares if your QB was third on the depth chart in spring ball and threw four interceptions in the first half of this game? Not a problem, Mr. I Thrive Off of Adversity. Critics of your hire? What critics? Nowhere to be found now are they? Enjoy the win!

Ahh the lure of Touchdown Jesus and the Golden Dome of Notre Dame. If only Tyrone Willingham had paid attention to the tenth commandment all those years ago when he was the Coach at Stanford 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.' Had he simply remained as the successful Coach at Stanford, turned away from those shiny gold helmets, he wouldn’t be stuck in football never-never land at the University of Washington. Willingham will have to contemplate his future at the University of Washington after suffering a 44-10 loss to the Ducks of Oregon. Quack, quack.

What weekend review would be complete without congratulating Coach Joe Paterno of Penn State for tying Bobby Bowden for most career wins. The big question now is will either of them ever retire, or will the quest for most wins continue on and on and on…Perhaps Paterno and Bowden could both retire right now and go out on top together. Just a suggestion. In any case, two great coaches will certainly fight on!

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, its… two very confused parachutists. The game ball for the UNC football game was supposed to be delivered via the parachutists, sadly it never arrived and UNC and McNeese State are still out on the field waiting to start the game. Apparently the parachutists got confused and landed at Duke’s Wallace Wade Stadium. You can’t make this stuff up…
“Are you ready to jump Joe, we have to get that ball delivered right away”. “Yep I’m almost ready, just trying to read these Map Blast directions before we jump, do you think its 8 more miles? Oh hey that looks like a stadium down there, let’s go”.
Do you honestly think that the Golden Knights of Army have ever accidentally landed at the Marist football stadium while delivering a game ball? The only logical explanation is that these two fine parachutists must be graduates of UNC and not Duke. Oh what fun the Cameron Crazies are going to have with this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Axbq6UaUOfE (just in case you want to see for yourself).

For now I am an armchair football coach.